Let's Talk

Yes, this is the title of the series of my blogs. But why? Let me take you to the origin of this thought.

My first training programme, in the area of personal effectiveness, was for some teenagers of our township in 2003. Having no prior experience in this work, I decided to consult a few knowledgeable friends interested in similar activities.  

We had a common impression that most youngsters are unable to convey properly what they think and know. They find it difficult to think, visualize and learn. Somewhere on the way, they lose self esteem & self confidence and end up with poor self image.

Exposure to structured and meaningful communication, in a comfortable company, appeared to be a good tool to help them start their journey towards self fulfillment and unleashing their potential. We felt that, conversation will be the best form of communication to start with. That’s how ‘Let’s Talk’ was born.

We invited 15 children, from the township, studying in class VII – IX to attend the programme spanning over 3 evenings for 3 hours each. The success of the first programme encouraged us to conduct many more.

The structure of the programme was very simple. They were given the following conversational tasks, which they had to execute one by one. Others were to listen quietly and attentively. No one was to object or criticize whatever anyone says.

1.    Please introduce yourself and also tell us about your family, hobbies, interest etc.

2.    Whom do you love the most and why? (the answer was never I)

3.    What all do you like about yourself?

4.    What were your first thoughts when you heard about this programme and what are your expectations?

5.    What do you like about each of your co-participants that either your already knew or noticed during this programme?

6.    Assuming you are in presence of God, who can give and do everything, which one wish you will like him to fulfill?

Some kids were extrovert and spoke freely. Some took time to open up. But by the second evening, all of them were participating actively. Their discomfort was very evident when they were asked to praise themselves. We all get so much negative feedback from the environment that we find it difficult to believe that we are the best creation of God. However, one girl mentioned 28 things that she liked about herself. All of them could share at least 5.  They were less uncomfortable while praising others but very uncomfortable in accepting their own praise from others. I think most of us find it difficult it is to listen, acknowledge and accept our praise from others.

One thing I like about children is that they do what you ask them to. They didn’t ask how can God be here, what’s the use, will God really give them what they ask for? They just asked Him whatever they wanted.

Most of the participants have now completed their studies and become engineers, doctors etc. as per their choice. I wish I knew if that programme helped them in this.

What I know is that I personally learned some key lessons from that programme. The biggest is that communication is our lifeline. Right communication can have profound impact is shaping and improving the quality of our life.

Communication is not only what we tell others. It includes what we read, absorb and implement. It includes what we listen, understand and accept. It includes what, how and when we think and share. It also includes the messages that we give to our self. It is how we carry, conduct and present ourselves. It is also what we observe, conclude and learn. It can be verbal or non verbal. It can be oral, written or a combination. It is even though our actions.

Communication tells others about our capability and intentions. We can communicate largely without any aids though sometimes they can help enhance the effect. Interestingly, most important messages don’t need or can’t be done through words.

One big benefit of communication is learning. To communicate properly, we must know or learn the subject. If we are engaged in a conversation, we have to think, compose and speak quite fast. Good communication develops a person’s intelligence as well which is nothing but the speed of learning and thinking. Also, what we hear, read or observe improves our information and knowledge.

Good communicators are often popular. Good communication does not mean talking more. It means talking right, as per the situation. They understand when they have to be serious, humorous, intense or funny. They know when to be soft and if absolutely necessary, when to be hard. They can listen with empathy. They are able to initiate, establish and sustain relationships.

In fact, communication is nowhere as important as in relationships. Trust, compassion, consideration and respect are conveyed best through communication.

So what is a good communication?

Good communication is purposeful. It has an intention to fulfill or a goal to achieve. It is crisp. It uses minimal words or actions to convey the intended message. It moves forward on the track and not in circles or tangents. It flows freely. Too much, hmms and haws, long pauses and fidgeting obstruct it. Good communication is respectful unless embarrassing someone is the actual intention. It makes the listeners or readers comfortable and excited. They want it to continue.

If the communication happening is verbal, vocabulary and grammar are very important. In non verbal, the choice of gestures and action has to be culture and context appropriate. It should put forth the facts correctly and logically based on proper analysis.

In my opinion, the most interesting form of communication is a conversation. Also this is the most commonly used form. It is a two way dialogue and not a monologue. We get immediate feedback whether verbally or through expressions and gestures. We can be questioned, challenged or objected to. We do not completely control the other person’s response and thus need to continuously maneuver the interaction to keep the discussion on track.

There is no chance of rethinking, editing, correcting or rephrasing. A word is spoken only once and is forever. We can back up our vocabulary with diction, expressions, gestures and postures to increase the effectiveness. Same word or sentence can mean so many different things.

A good conversation can be very stimulating and though provoking. But done improperly, it can lead to disputes, altercation and souring of relations as well.

Unless discussing something very grave, wit and humour, used judiciously, lighten up any communication. The type of humour, however, depends upon the mutual comfort level of the participants. Being humorous does not mean being obnoxious or insulting. One should avoid criticizing others, especially those not present. Then it becomes a gossip and is nothing but waste of time. Positive or constructive criticism is welcome but with due permission of the person being criticized.

Brevity and crispness of messages make a conversation more effective. The listeners are more likely to stay in the conversation that way.

Many people are visibly uncomfortable with conversation, especially with people from opposite gender or higher position. They fear that they will be rejected or ridiculed. They fear that they do not have enough substance or linguistic capability to communicate the available substance. Thus they will get exposed or misunderstood. So many capable people under achieve in life because of this.

They must appreciate that God has not blessed any one with the ability to read others’ minds but has enabled almost everyone to hear and understand.

The most important conversation we have is the one with our self. What we tell us about our purpose, our vision, our capabilities, significance of various factors, others’ relation to us etc. greatly influences our self love, esteem and image. Knowingly or unknowingly, we start living our self image. If I were to get the powers to change one thing about any person, it would be their self image.

Conversation, or any form of communication, is a skill. It can be learned and then improved by practice. Knowledge might be the engine but communication is the wheel on which the society or business runs. A creaky wheel retards the progress.

Communication is less about words and more about effect we have on others and how we get affected by them. Effectiveness of communication hugely impacts the success and quality of life of a person. It is in every one’s earnest interest to continuously improve this skill.